There has been a disturbing trend in the blogosphere recently and after mulling over it for the last few days, I’ve decided to speak out about it. I’ve seen similar behaviour in forums and on blogs in the past but in the last few weeks, it seems that there have been even more articles, Tweets and conversations that are just downright cruel to other bloggers. And why?
Well, believe it or not, some bloggers haven’t been interacting online long enough to know what is and isn’t deemed “good form” in the wild world of social media.
These posts, comments and conversations aren’t necessarily meant to be cruel. On the contrary, I think in some way they are meant to be informative and inspiring. But honestly, is the blogosphere really so horrible at expressing itself that the only way we can inspire is to toss out generalized insults or to call newbie bloggers horrible names?
The tough love tactic isn’t a new one; it’s as old as human nature itself. The problem is that it very often has the exact opposite effect. Instead of lighting a fire of inspiration, it digs a pit of despair. And the people that a well-meaning blogger intended to help may just end up throwing in the towel instead. It’s easy to say that if anyone is willing to give up so easily, they probably weren’t meant to be doing this in the first place. It’s even true to a point. But does that really ever make such depreciation right?
Why can’t the same messages be sent with compassion? Why can’t the same lessons be taught with a desire to truly help another individual instead of a desire to make what you write “sensational?” We put on a good show of pretending that we’ve come a long way as a civilization, but the sad truth is that women are still notoriously unappreciated and undervalued in our society. Many women suffer from horrible self-esteem issues as a result. So why are we compounding that problem by attacking other women under the guise of “helping” them?
If you’re one of the new bloggers that’s stumbled across one of these blog posts and you’re now doubting yourself as a result…don’t! Do what you need to do and learn as you go! If you mess up along the way, you’ll fit right in with everyone else that has ever started a blog. Ever. But if you keep going, eventually you’ll figure out what you want to do with your blog and why, and that’s all that’s really important.
And if you’re one of the bloggers that thinks cruelty will help women learn to be better bloggers, I’m not going to try to convince you otherwise but I sure won’t be sharing your post. There’s enough negativity in the world and on the Internet already. If I can be sure that what I write was discouraging to nobody and maybe, if I’m lucky, encouraging to one, that’s all I ask. I’ll save the sensationalism for the people and the posts that deserve it. My fellow bloggers do not.
What do you think? Is there any redeeming feature of a cruel post with good intentions, or is it just blog bullying?
Jody @ Mommy Moment says
Great post! This is one I’m happy to share 😉
Kathryn says
Thanks Jody! 🙂
SamiJoe says
Hmm…good food for thought.
Hard to say either way. Could be a bit of both. 😉
Kathryn says
Well personally I think as soon as there’s name-calling involved, it ceases to be constructive. But that’s just me. 🙂
Amanda Tempel says
It seems like bullying is everywhere now. It’s unbelievable.
I saw this type of “bullying” actually with one of the blogs, I would consider “big.” It’s so sad.
I’m not the biggest blogger out there, but I feel like after a few years of experience I know a lot, and I try to help anyone whenever I can.
What do they think it is? Tough love?? They were new once too. Everyone needs a little help every once in a while.
I’ve also experienced bullying from not only Bloggers, but PR agents. Because my blog involves rats, people decide to not associate with me, or call me out about how “rats are disgusting.” It’s like.. Okay – Maybe rats aren’t your favorite thing, but that doesn’t make ME a bad person. I’m nice to every body, even if they are mean to me.. I guess it’s just the way I am..
Kathryn says
Good for you Amanda, but I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve gone through things like that personally! It’s hard enough to be a new blogger and come across posts calling you names because you’re not experienced in social media. It’s far worse for it to become a personal attack on you!
I try to help everyone I can too. I have never felt cheated or “burned” for doing so. I like to think it’s one of the reasons my blog has done quite well. I’d rather spend my time being nice, but seeing name-calling or bitter posts about the silly things bloggers do makes me angry. As you said, we were all new once. We all made mistakes. Don’t make a new blogger feel bad because of it.
And just for the record, I quite like rats. 😉
Robin Quick says
I read your blog several times a week Amanda. Not because I like rats but because I like you as a person! You are super nice & friendly. It pains me that people are rude & judge you on what you choose to have as pets!
Kathryn says
YES!! Well said, Robin! 🙂
Jonnie (JB) says
Well said!
Negativity breeds negativity and I don’t understand why people want to put that out into the universe.
Kathryn says
Yes! That’s it exactly, Jonnie! It makes me sad to see negativity like that entering the blogosphere. It’s usually such a supportive place…
Multi-Testing Mommy says
Thank you for writing this! Blogging can be a tough thing to get into – there is such a fast learning curve that it can be so overwhelming for us all, new and seasoned 😉
I wouldn’t be where I am today with my blog (and by no means am I huge either- just want to say that!) without the help from many other bloggers and for that I am truly thankful.
I try to be as helpful as I can whenever someone needs help, suggestions etc. because that is how blogging should be, in my mind. We should all be supportive to one another. Just like in the real world. It’s give and take, right?!
Kathryn says
Exactly Amanda! I was very much on my own for my first year or so of blogging and I could not be more grateful to now be a part of such a wonderful network of bloggers. If I’d seen a post back then like some of those I’d seen recently, I would have been afraid to reach out to anyone and the thought that a new blogger might experience that makes me feel so sad!
Multi-Testing Mommy says
I totally hear ya, I wouldn’t want a new blogger to be scared to ask for help – after all, asking questions is how we learn!
NCSue says
I think it’s just one more example of rude behavior that seems to be becoming the norm in our society. You can’t walk down the street or through the store without hearing sprinklings of the F word. The phrase “I’m sorry” seems to be a rarity; many people seem to be of the “my way or the highway” mindset. The poor manners and sense of entitlement extend to the highways as well. We put on a face of tolerance (striving for political correctness) but at the same time are often intolerant of people with points of view different from our own. Tactful responses to such situations are an endangered species. And on and on…
Thanks for writing about this. I appreciate you taking it on!
Kathryn says
Thanks so much for sharing your views, NCSue! That’s a fabulous point; there does seem to be a lot of that same intolerance in the everyday world too! I think what worries me most is seeing it creep into the blogosphere. Sacrificing tolerance of others to create something that shocks people into reading just seems too much like the way bullies operate to me…Thanks again for your perceptive comment! 🙂
Tammy B says
Great Post!!! Everyone is new to blogging at some point, and they should remember how it was when they started , its not easy getting started. Think about the questions asked to others and the help they offered , I know, I am just starting out and have tons of questions. So far I have been lucky in finding the right bloggers to ask questions and get informative and helpful tips from, which I appreciate very much. Lets all stay positive and help one another.
Kathryn says
Thanks so much, Tammy! Positive and helpful is exactly how I like to operate too. 🙂
SoberJulie says
Fabulous post!
All too often we see this, using shocking language to get attention for our ideas…yet at the same time the hard stance alienates someone. I am of the mind that kindness breeds positivity and am happy to stay in my happy bubble.
This I’m proud to share!
Kathryn says
Thank you, Julie! You are absolutely one of the “happy people” and I’m so glad to have you as a friend. 🙂 Nobody deserves to feel alienated!
Lisa Marie says
I fully agree. Constructive criticism and teaching always comes more successfully from a place of positivity. If the lesson needs to be taught in a harsh or abusive manner, it’s usually counter-productive. Squashing a spirit for their efforts isn’t the way to do it. Support and Encouragement are far more useful.
I’m with you, Julie. Sitting in my happy bubble. 🙂
Kathryn says
Well said, Lisa Marie! It’s supporting one another that makes the blogosphere so wonderful. Thanks so much for commenting and for sitting in your happy bubble! 🙂
Crystal Wonitoy says
Thank you for this post! I am always shocked at the mean approach, it just seems so unnecessary. If I saw one of my kids trying to “teach” or treat another kid this way, they would be punished, so why is it okay for grown women to bully other grown women? I understand being frustrated, but in communication with anyone, it is, as I teach my kids, “nice to be nice”.
Kathryn says
Thank you so much Crystal! That is a great analogy; there’s really something amiss when we expect our children to treat their peers better than we do!
Alyssa says
There’s a big difference between helping and criticizing, unfortunately most people do choose the latter. Yes everyone is entitled to feelings and their say but there are nice ways to go about it without being rude or mean to others. Nobody is perfect but if we took the time and put energy into being positive instead of negative toward others the world just might be a better place 🙂 Great post!
Kathryn says
Well said, Alyssa! I think a little more kindness and a little less abrasiveness is always a good thing. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts! 🙂
Jennifer says
I think the biggest problem is that it is sooooo easy to hide behind our screens and ‘say’ things we would never say to someone’s face. You are an inspiration and role model for rookie and seasoned bloggers. Happy to call you a friend.
Kathryn says
Awesome point Jen! We should write like the people we are talking to are standing in front of us. And right back at you, my darling! So glad to be one of your friends and I can’t wait until we get to spend time together in person again! 🙂
Canadian Dad says
I’ve been so lucky to have found such a supportive group of bloggers to attach myself to. It makes me feel like Superman, in that I feel like I can handle or take anything that comes my way. Thanks!!
Kathryn says
YES Chris!! It makes all the difference in the world, doesn’t it? I could never express how much the support and friendship of the blogosphere means to me and that’s why I’ll do everything I can to make sure that every new blogger gets to experience it too!
And you ARE Superman. Didn’t you know? 🙂
Sheri says
Great post Kat. I have completely stopped reading many bloggers because of these kinds of posts. They are not necessary and they paint a bad picture of seasoned bloggers. For some, it is a lame way of getting increased traffic (and I’m glad you never linked to any of them here). For others, it is a way of falsely displaying how experienced they are (kind of like, “everyone has all of these problems, take it from me, I’m the expert so work with me instead”).
It makes me sad to those bloggers trying to further themselves by pushing everyone else down. I am a woman and I am a blogger and I really don’t have time for that crap. I encourage, motivate and help. If you can’t do the same then I have no time for you.
This post is why you rock Kat. We should catch up soon.
Kathryn says
Hurray!! Good for you, Sheri! That’s exactly how I feel and exactly why I didn’t link or mention any of the specific posts I’ve seen recently. This comment is why YOU rock! 🙂 And absolutely we need to catch up; it was beyond awesome meeting you in real life at BlogWest!
BusyWorkingMama says
For the most part, I try to be very positive and upbeat online in both my blog and social media interactions. I really don’t care for negativity – I have enough of it in my work life and occasional family drama! As for personally attacking people or a group of people that I don’t even know? That’s not only inappropriate, but downright morally wrong. I’m glad I haven’t seen these posts.
Kathryn says
You are amazing, Alex, and I agree completely! I’m glad you haven’t seen posts like that too and I’m so glad to have you as a blogging friend. 🙂
Older Mommy, Still Yummy (Monica) says
What a wonderful post Kathryn! As a relatively new blogger it is very inspiring and also comforting to know there are kind people, like yourself, who care enough to give of your time and knowledge. It’s also been so nice to read all the positive responses to this post.
I also need to say this – you have reached out and helped me several times. Not once did your even hint that I was inconveniencing you in any way whatsoever. In fact, quite the opposite, you encouraged me to contact you at any time and ALWAYS responded in a caring, kind and helpful manner.
As Jennifer said in the comments above, you are an inspiration and a role model…hopefully someday, I’ll have the knowledge to be able to “pay it forward”.
Monica
Kathryn says
That is so nice of you to say, Monica, and I am so glad I was able to help you! You are a wonderful blogger and I have no doubt you’ve already paid it forward many, many times by sharing your stories and experiences on your site. 🙂
Sophia says
There’s no need to be rude anywhere…online or offline. I’m allergic to negative and drama filled people so I stay away from them. A blogger has every right to vent, but they should also remember to be diplomatic. I think in the long run they end up damaging their own reputation and business in the process.
Kathryn says
I hope your allergy is contagious. 😉 I’m a big fan of diplomacy; there’s always a kind way to make a point!
gingermommy says
There are a few people on Twitter who I do think are bullies. Some blog some do not. It seems if you do not think the same way as them, then they 1..they will call you out 2. call you names 3 unfollow. I am pretty secure in myself and thick skinned however it still irks me. It makes me sad to see some new bloggers question themselves because of these people and their comments. I think each person needs to find their own groove and see what works for them. As a blogger I have some strong opinions about certain subjects, however I would never bully someone for not agreeing with me 🙂 BTW I have followed your blog since you began, way before i even blogged.
Kathryn says
I remember, gingermommy! 🙂 Seems like a long time ago, but it was really only a few years, wasn’t it! I’ve noticed a lot of that on Twitter too, I think because it’s so easy to press that little “Unfollow” button…but no matter where it is or how it’s being done, labeling anybody is never a good thing…
Leslie says
I thought this was a great post. Some examples would have been nice to really see what you were getting at as I can see that constructive criticism could be seen as bullying depending on how your day was going but you are right that name calling takes it to an unnecessary and nonconstructive level
Kathryn says
I pondered that long and hard, Leslie, but I wouldn’t have felt right about linking to posts I feel are cruel. For one thing, I don’t want to give them more traffic. For another, I would have felt somewhat hypocritical about doing so, like I was borrowing the popularity of abrasive posts to boost my own site. Suffice to say the ones that inspired me contained some names and negative labels and in life or online, that’s simply not something I think is appropriate. Thanks so much for commenting! 🙂
Pam says
It is really disappointing to hear that there is a divide like that in the blogging community. (I must be under a rock, because I didn’t know this was going on.) If I was giving advice I would say take your time and find out what you want out of blogging, and most importantly make a couple of connections/friends and let things take their natural course.
Kathryn says
Part of the problem, Pam, (and the reason this isn’t more talked about, I’m guessing) is that I really do think bloggers writing these judgmental posts mean well. It’s their way of trying to point out the “faux pas” that a blogger might make. It just worries me when I see it being done in a way that might break people down instead of lifting them up. I agree with you wholeheartedly, a few close friends and a bit of confidence go a long way! 🙂
manda says
I agree. The other day I was in a group and I heard from a few new bloggers that other bloggers refuse to help teach them how to pitch companies. They figured that no one wanted to share their ‘secrets’. I told them to email me personally and I would show them the ropes, that’s ridiculous, there isn’t any ‘secrets’ to pitching a company.
Blogging for me (and I’m sure hundreds of women) is a way to have a place, a community of women and friends, to write about our lives and have fun…. to get away from all this (waves hand at reality) for a little while. I hate that other Bloggers push other women down, some of us need it, it’s the only way we can get out of our heads and do something that we can really be appreciated for. Bullying is not constructive and it’s not necessary and I get so fed up with all these Bloggers that find themselves too great and too important to help the new writers. They were once where they were, we all were, I’m not even that big. LOL. I’m technically ‘new’, but I’ve been in the way of forums, groups, websites, etc for over a decade and I have never, ever, in all my years working online, seen the drama and the bullying of community members as I have in the Blogging Community. That’s really sad when you think about how most of us all came into it to be a part of like-minded people that understood.
Anyway. This is a great post and thank you for sharing it.
Kathryn says
Thanks so much for your comment, Manda! It’s so sad those bloggers had that response, but it’s wonderful that you were there to help them and show them that there are people willing to lend a hand to others in a pleasant and compassionate way.
Seeing that negativity in posts and comments really makes me sad but fortunately there are also lots of people just like you and all the other amazing bloggers commenting on this post that make the blogosphere a wonderful place to be. I just hope every new blogger gets the chance to know that! 🙂
Cindy's Love of Books says
This is such a great post. One of the things that frustrates me to no end is how these “bully” bloggers treat other bloggers. Have they forgotten that once upon a time they were newbies and had no clue what to do or how to do it? I always hestiated when I asked a blogger something for fear I would fall in that line of fire.
The drama is sometimes too much and you get the ones who constantly have to stir the pot to fuel the fire again. It feels like high school all over again. Its sad because aren’t we suppose to be matter adults? As women we should be supporting each other and encouraging not trying to beat them down.
I always appreciate the bloggers who have helped me along the way and I let them know that. The ones who will go above and beyond to help you with a little thing or perhaps a big thing. I always try to help someone if they ask me and if I can’t I let them know.
Kathryn says
I did the same thing, Cindy. I hesitated for over a year and it was only when one or two other bloggers reached out to me that I realized most bloggers were absolutely fabulous. But it seems like it is always the negative, attention-grabbing posts that get the most attention and that’s why I worry that new bloggers will end up feeling ostracized in a community that is just waiting to embrace them.
Good for you for being willing to help others and for remembering those who helped you. I don’t care how big a blogger is or how many followers they have, I fully believe they ALL needed positivity and encouragement at some point. It’s a shame some of them forget that.
ashley picco (mamawee) says
great post! I have also been fortunate to find a great group of bloggers to pair up with – but it took quite a while.
Kathryn says
That’s so wonderful, Ashley! It does take awhile sometimes and it hurts me to think there might be bloggers that give up before they get to that point!
Lisa (Fab Frugal Mama) says
Well said, Kathryn! The comment that really hit home for me was, “If I can be sure that what I write was discouraging to nobody and maybe, if I’m lucky, encouraging to one, that’s all I ask.” We all need to encourage and build up each other, not tear others down. If someone has an issue with a fellow blogger, take it up with that person… have some balls and contact them directly! Don’t write a generalized blog post to hide behind. Many times the issue is one of being new to the world of blogging and not understanding the etiquette, as you mentioned. I know when I started blogging, there were so many amazing women that reached out to me and really made a difference. Why can’t we all be “that person”? 🙂
Kathryn says
Thank you so much, Lisa! I agree wholeheartedly, and if you can privately approach the blogger with compassion and understanding, even better! 🙂 I had the same experience and I’m so glad that most of the blogosphere strives to be “that person.” I hope one day we’ll reach the point where we all do!
Chewy Mommy says
Thank you for this post!
Kathryn says
You are so welcome! And I love your blog; can’t wait to read more about your Princess and Bubba! 🙂
Whispered Inspirations says
I’ve come across posts that have left me with a sour taste in my mouth, leaving me to think how abrasive it is. Thinking that the person writing it is trying too hard to be humorous at someone else’s expense. It’s sad though. I feel guilty for even clicking the link and I sure won’t share it either. This is a great post. I always find that people forget that they, too, at one point were at the bottom of the totem pole.
Kathryn says
Thanks so much for commenting, Nancy! It’s very true; even if you were a “blogging pioneer,” you were still starting small and trying to build a following at one point. I know exactly what you mean; I get that same guilty feeling. Because the titles always sound interesting or because it’s something coming from a big-name blogger or because those posts that throw around a few rude names tend to get Retweeted more, I click on it and then I just find myself upset that I gave traffic to a post that could end up demoralizing somebody….
Shash says
I was raised that you are to walk in love no matter what, and that includes when correcting people… you do it in love. I think it goes a long way, how you say things to people!
It’s also really hard to judge tone on the internet, you write through your eyes and someone reads it through theirs, so even the most well-meaning posts can be read in the wrong light. But I agree… when it comes to name-calling… that’s not acceptable. Period.
Kathryn says
Shash, that’s a very good point and one of the perils of the Internet. Writing doesn’t always contain the tone we want it to and that absolutely can lead to misunderstandings. It reminds me of one of my favourite sayings: “You are twice as likely to be misunderstood when you say anything online, so you should always say it twice as nicely.”
If there’s any subjectivity to the post, I give the writer the benefit of the doubt. I would want them to do the same to me. But when a blogger says, “People that say this are (insert label).” “People that do this are (insert rude name),” that’s where things cross a line for me. That’s the point at which I feel anything constructive is lost.
And it concerns me to see posts like those starting to creep into the Canadian blogosphere.
Shash says
yup, name calling is never right. no matter how you slice it.
Today I heard The Amazing Kreskin say that he’s noticed (in general) that the Western world lacks loyalty and seems to have a need to place people on pedestals to fulfill a desire to see them fall. If you watch any media outlet, you’ll see this is true. Who is being promoted one day – is being crucified the next. I hate that it’s crept into our blogging world. It’s not the world I want to be a part of, that’s for sure.
Kathryn says
It’s IS true, and it’s one of the reasons that I stay far away from the celebrity drama and a lot of the other sensationalism that media seems to so adore sharing with the world. It feeds people’s “love to hate” mentality but personally I would rather “love to love.” 🙂 I hate that it’s creeping in too, but I do think that 99% of the blogosphere are the most amazing, supportive and wonderful women I could ever hope to meet.
Jenn's Blah Blah Blog says
Thanks so much for that awesome post….. One of the reason I started blogging was becasue people are so nice on here, not like the real world where people do not want to help or even notice you are there. I agree with your post very much we are all here why? We are doing something we love regardless of what someone else things about anyone’s blog there are 5 people out there that are going to love it. THANK YOU FOR SHARING AND INSPIRING
Kathryn says
Thanks so much for your comment, Jenn! That’s exactly what I fell in love with about blogging too! 🙂
Cheryl says
I TOTALLY agree with you!! What I don’t get is the holier than thou attitude from some bloggers. Pretty sure we all put our pants on the same way, one leg at a time. Why people feel the need to bully or belittle others, I’ve never understood it!
Kathryn says
Thanks Cheryl! What makes me especially sad is when posts like that are written with that “I’m doing this to help you,” point of view. I just don’t believe that being cruel is ever helpful. Compassion is always more effective!