Somewhere between the newborn stage, school drop-offs, work, activities, appointments, and everything else that comes with raising a family, it’s easy to realize that your social circle has gotten a lot smaller.
There may not have been a big falling-out or dramatic reason for it. Life just happened.
Maybe someone moved, a friend’s schedule stopped lining up with yours, or the group chat slowly went quiet.
Before you knew it, weeks or months had passed since you had a real conversation with a friend.
Making mom friends as an adult is definitely different than making friends when you’re younger.
You aren’t being put into a classroom with kids your own age, going out on your own to meet new people, or making plans on the weekend.
Instead, you’re already busy taking care of everyone else. And that can mean that finding the time and energy to build new friendships might feel like just one more thing to add to your already overwhelming to-do list.
But, making new mom friends doesn’t mean you need to suddenly become more outgoing or spend every weekend attending social events.
In many cases, it’s simply about putting yourself in situations where you regularly see the same people, and then taking that small social risk to help you build a connection.
The Problem Is Not Your Personality
Moms who feel friendless usually assume that becoming a mom has made them boring.
Get rid of that preconception right now! You’re not boring, you’re simply busy in a way that removes almost every unstructured hour from your week.
Friendship needs unstructured hours. It’s something that’s built in those extra minutes before a class starts, in the parking lot after school, or in the second cup of coffee nobody planned on.
When you don’t have that extra time to spend with your peers, you often stop feeling those connections.
The only way to build them is to arrange them on purpose, which often feels unnatural at first.
Remind yourself that you don’t need to become more outgoing, or turn yourself into a different person.
You just need to make time for those extra minutes for connection with another parent.
Lower the Bar Before You Raise It
It’s all too common to be tempted to invite a fellow mom over for coffee, and then stop yourself because you’re worried about the state of your house.
It’s only natural to want to ensure your house is welcoming, and your guests feel comfortable.
But, when you let the need for perfection interfere with the chance for connection, you’re cheating yourself of potential friendships.
Remind yourself that nobody is coming over to inspect the dust on your baseboards. That welcoming pot of coffee is enough to make somebody else feel at home.
If you want something to put out, bake one thing. A pan of butterscotch confetti squares takes four ingredients and no oven time, letting you show appreciation for the visit without too much effort.
A first hangout shouldn’t require hours of preparation. It’s a time to get to know another mom a little better.
Let Your Interests Do the Introducing
One of the best ways to easily move past small talk into more in-depth conversation is to make one of your interests visible, so that other people can comment on it.
It’s a way to move past awkward questions about your hobbies, since the things you enjoy are being displayed already.
If you think about people you see during the day, you’ll realize this is a common trend for people.
When you notice someone wearing a team’s jersey, or see someone with a half-finished knitting project, you’ve already learned something about them without them saying a word.
Book lovers will often showcase their interests in the same way.
Some may actually carry a book around. Others may carry book totes printed with literary quotes and reading artwork, perfect conversation starters that share their love for the written word.
To help make a connection with moms that have similar hobbies, think about your favorite things, and ways you could showcase them.
Whether it’s wearing a concert t-shirt from the time you saw your favorite band live, or carrying around a book of crossword puzzles, show off your interests so that they invite questions.
Trade the One-Off Get-Together for an Ongoing Outing
Most mom friendships start strong, and then fizzle out when you decide you just get together again at some point, without a solid plan.
Everyone means it when they suggest it, but following up and finding a time that works for both of you can feel almost impossible for a busy mom.
Recurring commitments solve this by removing the need to plan a time to get together.
Tuesday preschool storytime at the library happens whether or not anyone confirms. The Thursday running club meets at the same corner every week.
Look for events that follow a fixed schedule and appeal to your interests, and you’ll likely find yourself getting the chance to interact with other moms week after week.
Anything from community center classes, a monthly book club, choir, a volunteer program, or the parent committee nobody wants to join can give you the chance to connect.
When you see the same group of people over and over again, eventually you’ll get the chance to build a solid friendship that goes beyond small talk.
Get Past the Weather Faster
Small talk is an essential part of most conversations, helping you to get to know another person in a light and low-pressure way.
But, you should think of it as a toll booth. Even though you’re going to pass through it, you shouldn’t park there.
To help make your conversation a little more meaningful, try asking a more specific question.
Instead of a vague, “How’s your week?”, ask something that inspires a little more conversation, whether that’s asking about the best part of a mom’s week, or whether an issue with a teacher was resolved.
Specific questions give people the chance to be honest about what they’re going through, instead of just returning pleasantries.
Honesty is what turns an acquaintance into a friend, and it usually arrives the moment someone admits that something is hard.
Also, keep in mind that sharing your own joys and challenges are a great way to help build a friendship. Share something specific you’ve dealt with in your week, and you’ll notice the other person will respond in kind.
Give It Far More Time Than Feels Reasonable
If there is one expectation worth adjusting when it comes to making mom friends, it’s the amount of time that it can take.
According to research from the University of Kansas, it takes roughly 50 hours of time spent together before two people consider each other casual friends, about 90 before the word “friend” applies, and upwards of 200 hours before people start to feel genuinely close.
If you think about the amount of time you spend with someone at a monthly coffee get-together, it becomes more obvious why so many promising connections stall.
On the other hand, weekly commitments, or a standing activity that puts you in the same room repeatedly, speeds up the friendship dynamic significantly.
But, you should also remind yourself that if you’re three outings in and your conversation still just feels mostly polite, that isn’t a sign that there’s no chance of a friendship.
That’s what twelve hours of connection usually feels like.
Start Before You Feel Ready
If you wait until you feel completely comfortable before moving forward with making mom friends, you may not ever move forward with building your community.
So, make it a mission to reach out to someone this week.
Making mom friends as an adult can feel awkward because, honestly, sometimes it is awkward.
But that doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong.
Most of the people around you are probably just as busy, tired, and unsure of themselves as you are. They may also be hoping someone else will make the first move.
Text the mom whose name you always forget. Sign up for the class with the terrible time slot. Say yes to the parking lot conversation instead of pretending to check your phone.
There are friends out there, hoping just as much as you to get the chance to connect. They’re often just waiting for somebody to go first.
Make yourself the person that reaches out, and you may find that making mom friends is easier than you could have guessed, and will provide you with years of meaningful connection with fellow parents.